The guy who wrote this letter is comedian and Prospect Heights resident Jon Friedman. You can win a T-shirt from this guy if you go to the DAILY HEIGHTS happy hour at SODA this Thursday starting at 6.

Dear Comedy Club,

I’d like to perform my act this Friday night at your club. It is hilarious. I do a fantastic impersonation of Greg Tatum. He was in my third grade class and he used to walk with a hitch limp and slobber. The crowd loves it. I rump around the stage a bit saying “Tatum if you got ‘em!” I do lots of jokes too. My favorite one is about a seal that tries to deposit money in the bank but can’t because “No pinnepeds!” The main part of my act is basically me enraging everyone. When I am introduced I come out like a pissed off hillbilly looking for my trunk of junk. Of course my trunk is already on the stage but I pretend to not be able to find it. “Did any body see my trunk of junk?” That’s what I say scratching my head for a while. People usually yell out things like “It’s right behind you.” “What are you doing?” and “Boo.” I really like the interaction I get from my audience because without interaction what do I have? Then after I locate the trunk with a gallant “Well, here it is! Shiver me tacklebox! I found it!” I open it up and take out my giant sledgehammer and a watermelon. I got this idea from this bald weird big fan pants guy who jumps on large furniture and crashes fruit. Read more…

This may be the funniest fake letter ever. If you think this is not the funniest thing you have ever read, I challenge you to post something better in the Comments. Go.

Prospect Heights to Newark: I paid the driver from International Car Service on Washington Avenue $61 ($45 plus tolls both way and tip) to go from front door to terminal. The car picked me up at 5 am and there was virtually no traffic, so the trip took maybe 35 minutes. (So that’s like, $2 per minute).

On the way back I took the advice of Candicissima (ideas! She’s all about ideas, that gal) and took a $6.50 train ride to NJ-Penn Station, where I got a $3 PATH ticket ($1.50 if you have exact change) to the World Trade Center station, pictured (what are all those funky giant nuts-n-bolts sticking out of the wall at a 45-degree angle, not pictured?). Then I walked underground to the Park Place 2-3 stop, and took that to Grand Army Plaza ($2), where I walked home 4 blocks in drizzle with no umbrella. Total cost: $11.50. Total time: 90 minutes, or an ABSOLUTE BARGAIN at 12.7 cents per minute.

Bonus Anecdote:The important young turk behind me, yelling into his Blackberry, just shouted his webmail URL, username and password, repeatedly, for the benefit of the entire shuttle plane.

He was asking an officemate (”Andrew”) to “clean out” his Blackberry e-mail account because “people keep sending me monster attachments.” The username was his first and last name (spelled out three times, in case you missed it). His password: “password. PASSWORD. P-A-S-S-W-O-R-D. … Well, that’s what I use, dude.”

Then he hung up, dialed another number and cell-yelled the same URL, username and password information in someone’s voicemail. Apparently when you are that important, it takes two people to “clean out” your e-mail account.

Not satisfied that two people could accomplish such a task, he then dialed a THIRD co-worker to announce that his e-mail was being “cleaned out,” and “could you shoot me a test e-mail” to make sure it worked.

(Click here for larger image view)

Beware: The PH Identity Thief